I just want to feel wanted and like I belong. Loneliness hurts so bad

I haven’t been on here in a long time but I feel like I have no one and no where else to turn to. After almost two and a half years with this girl I love it absolutely breaks my heart and makes me feel so empty to see it no longer be. In the beginning I was so estatic about this amazing girl being in my life because never in my life before that had anyone cared about me in any way she did. That care she has for me never stopped and that’s not why it’s ending. These demons inside me are something I’ve been battling for as long as I remember. Before the days of even knowing what mental health or illness was. I have issues that I don’t even understand and it scares me. I tried so hard to be aware of how I talked and how I treated her but just like the people around us saw and expressed: I wasn’t good for her. The things she would do for me made me feel so undeserving and honestly horrible about myself simply because I didn’t feel that I was offering the same. Something I still feel to this day. I don’t know why. I just was never good enough for how she treated me and she put up with it for the longest time. So far in my life I’ve been such an outsider and somewhat of a loner. I’m not sure if it’s because of how I act toward other people, though I try to be kind, which can sometimes seem mean. I hate myself for this. I try to be so positive and bite my tongue when I’m gonna say something that could cause problems but I always seem to say the wrong things and it always seems to leave me more isolated than before. For the last two years I didn’t have to worry about that isolation because this amazing girl was always there to hold me even when I didn’t deserve it at all. Now that I don’t have that I’m so completely lost. More lost then I was before or during our relationship. She was the beacon of light that was keeping me on track to whatever destination I have. But that destination changed I think. And it makes me so fucking sad that I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out writing on a social media platform for strangers to see. I just wish that it didn’t have to be like this. It’s absolutely and completely my fault that it isn’t working out and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for it. The best memories of my life and the best friend that I made them with are quickly becoming a part of the past and disappearing there. And it makes me so so sad. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish I didn’t have to be like this.

I do not love myself